Sucker Punch

Sometimes I can see an emotional ambush coming.  I know that there is going to be something coming up that will be emotionally difficult and I can either avoid it all together or at least set myself up for success by providing myself with whatever structure will be helpful to navigate through it.  But then there are those others times, the sucker punches that I don't see coming.  The times that I didn't have a chance to prepare and something takes me completely off guard.  This week has had both.

I knew that Wednesday was going to be a hard day.  Ash Wednesday.  Ash Wednesday will always have an extra level of grief, sadness and holiness in our family's life.  It was on Ash Wednesday, 2012 that we found out that our second child, Rene Lynn, had died.  After two weeks of wondering, questioning, hoping and being scared to death we found out that our deepest fear had come true and that we had miscarried.  Ash Wednesday stands in my mind as the milestone (although it really started 2 weeks before) of a year that has turned life on its head.  A year full of moments of pure joy and the darkest, most despairing, lonely and sad days that I have ever had.  A year that brought the excitement of another pregnancy and the shattering reality of a second miscarriage.  A year of transition, fresh beginnings, endings, a little man who has been the sickest he has ever been in his little life and a year of exhaustion. 

Today was a sucker punch.  I didn't see it coming.  I wasn't able to be prepared for it and it has knocked the wind right out of me.  A dear loved one is expecting.  I want to be excited, I should be excited, in reality, I am very excited for them and their family.  But it hurts.  It hurts more than I expected it to.  When we go through grief and loss it can be painful in so many facets and have so many levels of complexity.  When we lost Rene what hurt the most was losing the symmetry with my brothers family and for their sweet little girl to not have the BFF that we had hoped for.  With Micah, one of the aspects that hurts the most is that Jacob doesn't get to be a big brother, not right now at least.  He loves babies.  At daycare.  Baby Abby.  At church. At the store, he loves them.  It is really hard for me to look at pictures of siblings.  So today broken my heart to see that sweet little boy so happy, so proud to be holding up a sign declaring he was going to be a big brother.  Not because I don't wish them the best.  Not because I wish them any ill and not because I am not happy and excited for them.  But I am sad.  I am sad that Jacob doesn't get to have that, that I can't give that to him.  And that, is hard. 

So for tonight, I get through the night.  I pray.  I cry.  I am angry and sad and I hold my sweet little man tight.  For tonight, I cry with my love and let him hold me in his arms while I weep.  Then we will pick up the pieces again, we will pray that the Holy Spirt will give us the glue to hold them together and we will face tomorrow as a new day.  Praying that we will have the strength to trust, hope and show God's love and maybe, just maybe be able to be there for someone else that is hurting and let them know they are not alone.

A year ago I started a blog.  I blogged faithfully for forty days.  I processed grief, hurt, pain, and hope.  We had a DNC with Micah the day before Christmas.  Went into a week and a half surrounded by family who was also hurting and loves us deeply but didn't always know how to best show us (and that is okay!)... to a crazy January and February.  When we found out we were expecting Micah I felt like I just had started to put the pieces back together from losing Rene and am so exhausted that I haven't been able to/willing to truly process/grieve and heal.  So, I turn back to blogging.  I turn back to writing to the great unknown.  Putting it out there for others to read if they like, praying that it might be used to help someone else, but writing as a form of prayer and a way to heal.  I dont' know what these 40 days will look like.  I dont' know if it will stop in 40 days or if it will continue on from here.  I don't know if it will only focus on miscarriage, but I don't think it will.  We have 3 children, but only one of them is here on earth with us, and he's amazing.  That is who we are, and that is what I think this blog is going to be about.  This is us.  Messy. Overwhelmed.  Floundering.  Successful.  Faithful.  Questioning.  Real.  Family.  A journey of gluing the pieces back together and the excitement to see the mosaic it will make.