Heart of Mary

The Heart of Mary

Saturday will mark the one year anniversary of our sweet baby, Micah Lee, going to heaven instead of continue to grow inside me and being born here on earth.  One year.  I wonder what he would have looked like.  I wonder if she would be rolling over now, scooting, or starting to steal Jacob’s toys.  I wonder… I remember what it felt like when we found out that we would be expected another little one into the world, and remember the crushing devastation looking at that still, oh too still ultrasound screen.  The day after saying goodbye to our sweet baby we left to celebrate Christmas in Iowa with family. Memories flood back of a difficult Christmas, of tears that wouldn’t stop, of loved ones that wanted to be loving and supportive but didn’t always know how.   Well meaning people wishing Christmas joy that fell on a broken heart, well meaning pastors praying for expectant mothers making me want to run out of the church.   Last Christmas my heart could relate far more to Easter than Christmas.  I wonder how Mary felt as she was surrounded by loved ones after the death of her Son, did she feel alone?  Misunderstood?  Did the tears ever stop falling or could she even cry when she wanted to most?  Did people say things that were so hurtful although well intentioned.   The Jesus in the manger was hard to related to last year, but the Jesus on the Cross and that left the empty tomb, was the Jesus that I clung to.  A Jesus that wept with us.  A Jesus that gave us hope that our sweet baby was safe, and loved and we would see again some day.  Last year I felt that I was able to connect with the heart of Mary in a very different way than I ever had before at Christmas.

Tonight I lay awake, restless, full of excitement, nervous and anxious as we are on the eve of welcoming our sweet baby girl to this earth.  Again this Christmas I find my heart relating to the heart of Mary.  How anxious would she have been traveling such a distance so with child?  How uncomfortable was she on that long journey and how scared when she went into labor?  How much joy did she feel as she felt her baby boy kicking and stretching in her womb.  Tonight I am filled with anticipation, joy, peace, grace and wonder as we are on the eve of welcoming our second child to earth.  This Christmas it is the Jesus in the manger with whom I related.  A vulnerable child whose parents would do anything in the world to keep him safe.  A mother and father who were nervous, anxious, excited and in wonder.  It is in the vulnerability and humbleness of God that I take refuge.  But as we await the arrival of our sweet baby girl, we also embrace and remember our two sweet babies in heaven and their amazing big brother here on earth.  May we all year long continue to embrace these two hearts of Mary, these two sides of Jesus, and all that comes in between.  May we be willing to embrace the pain with the joy, the smiles with the tears, and reach out to those around us to support them in the midst of whatever they may be.